Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
