I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
