Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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