I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
