the condom got lost in my hair
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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