Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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