The beer is more important than you right now.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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