The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
