I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
