Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
