Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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