She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
