You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize