I didn't shave. On purpose
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
