i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
