i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
