You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My cat gives me a boner
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
