I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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