i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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