I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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