Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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