Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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