i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Randomize
