Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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