The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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