FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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