If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
