I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
