I just threw up on my dentist
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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