She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
