can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
