I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
