God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
