You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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