and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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