Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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