I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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