About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
