Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize