the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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