just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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