Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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