She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
