There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
