There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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