Don't make out with my wife yet
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
