I'm going to jail i love you
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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