I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
