There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
