Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
