is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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