Your dad touched me again.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
