i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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