god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
