Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
